


Plans For The Future

by ticktockclockwork



Series: One Hit Wonders: A Check Please! Song Fic Series [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 19:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8591194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticktockclockwork/pseuds/ticktockclockwork
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, when Jack was spiraling, things did not move in slow motion. The frantic beating of his heart was anything but slow; the rapid fire thoughts pinballing around his mind almost incomprehensible in their speed.In therapy, he'd often heard people describe their attacks as a slow motion train crash, a suffering drawn out experience that they were helpless to stop.But for Jack, while ’train crash’ was definitely apt for what he felt, it was anything but slow and, in fact, he was usually the one at the controls.All this to say, Jack was in a very bad place.





	

Contrary to popular belief, when Jack was spiraling, things did not move in slow motion. The frantic beating of his heart was anything but slow; the rapid fire thoughts pinballing around his mind almost incomprehensible in their speed.

In therapy, he'd often heard people describe their attacks as a slow motion train crash, a suffering drawn out experience that they were helpless to stop.

But for Jack, while ’train crash’ was definitely apt for what he felt, it was anything but slow and, in fact, he was usually the one at the controls.

All this to say, Jack was in a very bad place.

The really embarrassing thing was that nothing of consequence had started it. His panic attacks had become few and far between, a fact that he held with great pride. But by consequence, it often led him to believe they were gone forever. It was naïve and hopeful, but being in a relationship with the embodiment of hope meant that it played a more pivotal role in his life than it had before.

He hoped that after five months of no attacks that he had finally laid that part of his life to rest. He  _ hoped _ that now that he had truly, truly found happiness, that his anxiety would go away.

“That's not how anxiety works, Jack, and we both know it.” His therapist had said to him in their meeting after his last attack, five months previous. “I wish it were true but it's not something that will be fixed.”

“Only managed.”

“Yes, managed. And Jack?”

“Yes?”

“You have been managing fantastically.”

___

_ Daylight is fading like an awkward smile _ __  
_ Sun hides behind the west coast _ __  
_ I thought I thought I knew I had everything figured out _ _  
_ __ Till night came and I lost my shadow

___

He didn't feel fantastic right now. He had, at the time, feeling himself smiling with his therapist, her pride in him contagious. When he'd walked out of the office to find Bitty chatting warmly with the receptionist, waiting to take him,  _ them _ , home that smile had only grown larger. His face had hurt he was smiling so big. Any shame he'd felt for his last attack gone in the face of all the good that stood before him.

His face hurt now, too, but it wasn't from smiling. His teeth had been clenched since he’d gotten home and an hour later he was just now realising it. He was also white knuckling the counter in his kitchen, still dusty from the pancakes Bitty had made that morning.

What time was it? How long had he been standing there?

Jack looked to the clock and groaned. An hour and a half now. This was his speeding train, this was slippage of time, uncontrolled and frustrating.

Nothing was slow motion when he was spiraling.

He grabbed what he'd come in here for in the beginning, the protein shake already made for him in the fridge. There was a little note taped to it but either his hands were shaking too much or his vision was unfocused because he couldn't read it clearly. He thought he could make out a small bunny but he couldn't be sure. He added it to the cluster of other notes already on his fridge and turned to go to the living room.

He was fine. This wasn't so bad, he'd come back from worse. He'd been doing fantastically, remember? This was nothing.

He was in his room. How had he gotten here? The shake was gone, finished, sitting on his bedside table.

Where were the brakes on this runaway train?

___

_ Blend in with moonlight and broken glass _ __  
_ Ten hours of panic will follow _ __  
_ I'm lost, the trees look black, my red shirt is turning grey _ _  
_ __ Strange things just won't stop appearing

___

“Fuck.” He groaned, standing to change into something less constricting. He shuffled to his closet and changed his pants, his shirt, taking careful notice of the fabric moving over his skin. Button, zip, push down. Hem, grab, pull up, off. He pulled on his sweatpants and moved back to bed. If this was going to happen, he'd rather be somewhere comfortable.

He eased himself back against the headboard and pulled his knees up to his chest, head between them. His breaths were starting to quicken, chest constricting. He started counting, trying to stop the inevitable, losing his place, starting over. He cycled through memories to try and help him, as it often did. His mother's voice, soft and soothing, numbers falling from her lips in pretty French like raindrops down a window. She was too soft, though, slipping away too easily in the face of his anxiety's steam engine.

Shitty was next, aggressive and brutish and loud. ‘One motherfucker, two motherfucker’ he would count which usually made Jack laugh more than it made him breathe but often it was enough to derail the mess happening in his mind.

Wasn't enough, not this time. He hadn't spoken to Shitty in awhile, and while he always told himself he'd never be able to forget that voice, it was to hard to hold onto right now. If Shitty were here, maybe. But he wasn't. Jack needed something familiar, something strong and known and unforgettable.

“Breathe for me sweetheart. I know it's hard. In one two, out, there ya go…” Bitty, always Bitty. If he was here, that would be best, but he was busy, stuck in some media event downtown. He wasn't supposed to be home for a few hours still, between the event and traffic, but his voice was best of all, strong and sure. He knew when to be loud, speaking over the cacophony in Jack's head. He knew when to be stern and unaccepting of Jack's shitty behavior when he got like this. He knew when to be quiet, when to leave Jack alone or when whispering was loud enough.

He knew that sometimes Jack didn't want to be touched, that contact was too much and only worsened the sensory overload. He knew that other times Jack needed it to ground himself, to remind him that he was real and whole and physical. Right now was one of those times and the hands in his hair were strong and sure.

___

_ Then all at once, the sky started raining _ __  
_ Soaked to the bone, I stopped _ __  
_ The people of night time came out of hiding _ _  
_ __ One of them turned my way

___

Hands in his hair.

Strong.

Sure.

Bitty in front of him.

Strong.

Sure.

How much time has passed?

His vision was blurry but he'd know Bitty’s silhouette anywhere. He was real, sitting in front of Jack, his knees pressing into the mattress, causing Jack to tip forward against his chest. Bitty's arms were wrapped around Jack's back, fingers in his hair, speaking low and close to his ear. “It's okay, babe. I've got you. You're not alone now, I'm here.”

When Jack uncurled his arms from around his own torso to wind then around Bitty's, they ached from disuse. How much time must have passed, Jack fighting valiantly to not break down completely. As he gripped Bitty's shirt against his back, he felt his boyfriend relax a little. “There you are…” Bitty breathed, kissing the crown of his head.

Jack opened his mouth to reply but he wasn't able to form words yet, his mouth dry, lips smacking. When he opened his mouth all that came out was hitched gasps. “It's alright baby, it's okay, shhhh…” Bitty soothed. Jack whined, turning his face into Bitty's chest, feeling useless, weak. “Shhhh…” Bitty tried again.

They went that way for awhile. Again, Jack had no idea how much time passed but when he was able to lift his head, Bitty was humming, Jack curled up in his lap. He looked up and around then met Bitty's eyes. He was concerned, worry creasing around his mouth. But he let Jack orient himself before speaking. “You fell asleep, I think. Just for a bit, probably tuckered yourself out..” his accent was thick with both worry and exhaustion. He hadn't even taken his shoes off.

“What time is it?” Jack asked, clearing his throat when the scratchiness caught on his words. He tried to look at the clock but he couldn't focus on the numbers. It was dark outside, the only light coming from hall, cutting into their bedroom through the partially opened door.

“About two…”

“I'm the morning?" His voice would sound strangled if it wasn't so worn out.

“In the morning, yes.” Bitty murmured gently, unfolding his legs with a grimace now that Jack wasn't draped across him. He was stiff, it was Jack's fault. Bitty had to deal with this, with his stupid anxiety. He deserved better, this was all Jack's fault.

His face must have shown the rapid progression of his thoughts because Bitty was already reaching for him again. “Hey, hey, don't do that, shhh. Stop that.” He wrapped his arms back around the other and pulled him close. “I'm right here baby, right where I want to be. It's okay.”

“How long?”

“How long what?” Bitty asked, running those soft fingers down the cut of Jack's jaw.

“Was I…” he waved vaguely at himself while he focused on Bitty's hands to keep his thoughts from drifting off again. When he dropped his hand again he gripped Bitty's thigh.

Bitty touched to his knuckles, softly urging him to be gentle. “Oh. Awhile. I got home around eleven. You sounded really bad on the phone so I came home as soon as I could.”

“Phone?”

“Yeah, you called me. Which I'm so proud of you for doing that, sweetheart. You called me when you needed help, I'm just sorry I couldn't get here sooner. Lord, you should have seen Bridgette's face when I said I had to leave. Thought she was going to explode. She deserves it, though, she's so ugly to me all the ti-”

“I don't remember doing that.”

Bitty cut off his rambling, looking down to Jack and frowning. “You don't remember Bridgette?”

Jack shook his head and looked away. “I don't remember calling you.” Shame hit him first but he tried to hold it off in favor of figuring out the expression on Bitty's face.

Confusion melted to worry once again. That was expected. This scared Jack too. But what he didn't expect was Bitty shaking his head and… smiling? Barely but yes, it was a smile. How could he be smiling when Jack was so messed up?

“It's okay Jack.” Jack had to hold down his anger because it WASN'T okay. “Hey, look at me baby. Look at me.” Small hands cradled Jack's face to look up to the other. “It's. Okay. I think you dis… disasso…” he struggled over the word, his accent stumbling with all those soft consonants, but Jack understood where he was going.

“Disassociated.”

“Yes. That. And, uhm, and Dr. Gonzalez said that you sometimes forget things when that happens, right? She said it's normal, to not be afraid.”

“This isn't normal, Bits, this isn't anything close to nor-”

“It's our normal and that's all that matters”

That gives Jack pause, the words striking a nerve he hasn't known was exposed. He so badly wanted to be over this, as if  _ this _ was just a phase. He so badly wanted Bitty to have a boyfriend that wasn't broken. “I'm sorry…”

“Well I'm not. You called me, even if you don't remember. That's what's important. You got help when you needed it.” He met Bitty's eyes and could see no disappointment in the other's expression. Bitty just looked loving, and perhaps a bit stubborn. “I love you, Jack Zimmerman. More than I thought I could love anything.”

“... More than pie?” Jack's chirp, however small, struck a smile to Bitty's lips and he giggled which did more to settle Jack's heart than anything so far.

“More than every pie in the world.” He whispered and the honesty was there, with a touch of fear, as though that fact scared Bitty as much as it scared Jack. “I love you, Jack. For now and for always.” It was a promise they hadn't talked about yet. But Jack needed to hear it now.

Leaning up, Jack caught his mouth in a kiss, holding it, sighing into it as Bitty touched his cheeks. It wasn't rushed, it wasn't frantic. It was slow, careful, and Jack felt every second of it.

When he pulled back, Bitty tucked his hair behind his ear. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked and when Jack shook his head no, Bitty moved on. “Alright, then I demand a shower and at least an hour of making out on the couch.” He said with a nod.

Jack hugged him close, kissing his cheek. His heart was beating at a normal pace and though the exhaustion would settle into his bones soon, he felt like making up for a little lost time. “Anything, Bits. Anything you want…”

___

_ I was enthralled with the way that she spoke so softly _ __  
_ For a lady of her finesse and personal hygiene _ __  
_ She had cuts, bruises, scrapes, scratches, hair tangled everywhere _ __  
_ But she spoke in a way that commanded my attention _ __  
__  
_ You're at the top of your game _ __  
_ You're in control of your life _ __  
_ The peal of the oyster, the cream of the oreo, _ __  
_ What I would give for that I hope you never know _ __  
__  
_ So live your life, don't sleep through the nights _ __  
_ Life's for the living you've got to start living it right _ __  
_ So live your life, don't sleep through the days _ _  
_ __ Dreams are for living you've got to stop letting them die

_ ___ _

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is my first fic in this fandom, hoping I do it all justice. This fic will be a part of a series of song inspired fics. They may or may not relate to one another. Not sure yet. 
> 
> Jacks anxiety experience here is based on some of my own. I am in no way an expert so I apologize in advance if it ain't all right. Please enjoy and let me know what you think!
> 
> Song: Plans for the Future by Said the Whale (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3SDxqfHj4DQ)
> 
> My Tumblr @ ticktockclockwork. Come say hello!


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